Seeing Red

Yesterday the planets must have been aligned correctly, the temperature and humidity must have been absolutely correct, noises must have been minimal, the sleep suit combination must have been particularly comfortable and I must have worn baby out to the correct degree. I say this because last night the baby boy was a nightmare and Ive had not sleep whatsoever. Overtired as he is, we are embarking upon a day of breath holding. I’m beginning to wonder if he is in secret training for deep sea free diving. When I went to see the paediatrician about this behaviour he told me to video it. Sometimes I wonder about doctors. Unless I invent some sort of hat and containing a video camera (making sure I don’t go to the cinema with it) and wear it all day long, I’m not quite sure how he thinks its possible to capture on video. If I could manage to do this, then getting footage of a snow leopard would be a doddle!
Over Christmas I bought a very distinctive red coat, a bit of a mistake because at least two incidents have occurred whilst Ive been wearing it.
First, was the road traffic accident. Innocently I crossed the road at the traffic lights, only to hear a really major bang/ crunch and lots of swearing. It appeared that someone picked that moment to crash into the car in front of them. Probably amazed that anyone would wear such a bright coat. Panicking, I ran, well walked very quickly, away, pretending I didn’t see. It wouldn’t have been long before someone realised that me, living vicariously through the red coat ( for any films buff reading this, in a Don’t Look Now kind of way) was actually the cause.
Secondly, was the NEAR accidental theft from expensive supermarket of some cod. I merely walked to the fish counter, placed my order, had a chat about what I was going to do with it (no I wasn’t annoyed with the service for once) then took it and put it straight into my bag. The shop assistant didn’t say anything, I wasn’t followed or searched or anything. However, by the cheese aisle I realised the error of my subconscious ways and rectified the mistake. But then, I panicked again, what should I do? Go back and point out my error? Unsure about what to do, I remained cool and calm and I simply paid for it all. Lingering a bit in the shop waiting to be stopped. No-one did anything. Now, either they are waiting for my arch -criminal red coated self to return or no-one noticed. I hope they don’t review their cameras!
In summary, today’s advice would be don’t buy a distinctive coat, however cheap it may be in the January sales.


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