OMG Ive got Swine Flu, I knew it, as soon as I saw the news reports I thought to myself I’d get it and I have. Well, perhaps not, but I do have a rotten stinking cold which will be perceived that way by all middle aged people I come across. Now is the time to go shopping!
This weekend saw the wedding of the decade. My baby sister married her handsome prince in a fairytale event at a country church not so far from here. The weather was gorgeous, she looked beautiful and I gave the assembled mass my germs.
I was a bit apprehensive about the day, having what can only be described as a wild two year old. I had been thinking of excuses for his wrong-doings for months in advance. However, true to the nature of demon children, he looked angelic and only beat up other small children and did other mis-deeds when people weren’t looking. In fact, he looked so angelic that several women’s eggs were heard releasing from their ovaries in a blatant act of rampant fertility brought about by his very presence. The little dear. Good job the mother of the 21 month old girl who acquired a nose bleed on the dance floor was taken in by his innocence, or I may have acquired my own bloody nose.
Alongside the disco, the highlight of the day for toddler boy was the chance to run around the gardens of the hotel in which the reception was held. An outdoor boy at heart, he would not sit still and listen to the speeches. So, I was amused by the Best Man’s speech itself, but even more by the sight of hubby running around Benny Hill style after toddler boy through the window behind the top table.
It was a chance for toddler boy to make new friends, not content with the company provided by the wedding party, he chose to enjoy the friendship of a passing fancy dress party (I kid you not). At one stage, I saw him being individually addressed by ten different fancy dress characters, as they left on the way to their party. One had a name badge: ‘Mizz Whiplash’.
There is a tree in the garden of the hotel which clearly acts as a den for any small child, it also affords the chance for any small child to escape capture. Toddler boy and his followers chose this tree to avoid capture by adults. It was also unfortunately a safe place to do a massive poo. If any of you have seen ‘The Beeps’ on Milkshake, Channel Five, here in the UK. I can only akin the tree to the one that pops up and starts singing. How I wish the tree had started singing at that moment. As it was, I had to find hubby and send him in to battle wearing his best Armani suit. You have never seen a man go so white at the prospect of a mission.
I suspect you are all wondering how baby Fifi got on at the wedding. Well, she stayed quiet, slept most of the time and behaved like a little angel. I am thinking of hiring her out for weddings, christenings and barmitzvahs.