The Phases of Childhood; Things They Didnt Tell You

Toddler boy absolutely, utterly and completely refuses his bath. This has been building up for a while, first it started with the hair wash. In his little world, a hairwash equals a breath hold. Mummy and daddy then fuss around and long term, it means very few hair washes and a stinky head. The progress of this smelly condition is easy to chart as it continued on to a breath hold in the bath just for having a wash until nowadays, a breath hold outside the bath. When a bath is a possibility. "No! don't want to!" then shrieks of absolute terror and loudness so extreme, that I'm fully expecting a social worker to appear at any minute.

This got me thinking; was it a boy thing? After all, little boys definitely have a very distinctive smell about them. When crowded together, the smell can be over-poweringly deadly. A factor that puts me off re-training to become a teacher. A quick Twitter later and it seems that no, this is indeed a child thing. Yuck!

Therefore I present my work in progress (my two are still quite young);
The Phases of Childhood- Things They Didn't Tell You (applicable to both girls and boys, ages are an approximation)
Phase 1 (Birth- approx 3 months) Projectile Poos and Wees. Without going into great detail. Hubby had to repaint one of our bedroom walls.
Phase 2 (3 months-6 months/ 18 years) Incessant Eating. Just when you thought you could sit down and watch TV, you will find a small child requiring milk/ juice/ snack/ meal or pre-snack milk/ juice etc etc
Phase 3 (6 months- 1 year) The main period of carpet ruining. You thought it was reflux early on. No, no, no! Its the phase when they start moving, grinding their rusks, bogeys, etc into the carpet whilst ripping it up and generally producing slime which stains in hard lumps which you will find in places years later. At this stage, you will also find it impossible to change a nappy without poo being spread everywhere as the baby learns that it can move away from you. I advise the purchase of rubber gloves.
Phase 4 (1 year- 15 months) Pot plant ruination, an appetite for mud will develop. This will lead to a general lack of soil, stained clothes, carpet and strange looks from friends. At this stage you will also find it even more impossible to change a nappy without poo being spread everywhere as the toddler runs away mid nappy change.
Phase 4 (15 months - 2 years) The start of the smelly phase, hair washing will become traumatic. they will insist on wearing the same T-shirt for days on end.
Phase 5 (2 years-....) Forget trying to bath your child, who will have lumps of poo welded to their bottom as they refuse to potty train. They will not allow anything remotely resembling cleanliness.

To be continued....

The Phases of Childhood; Things They Didnt Tell You