The Phases of Childhood; Things They Didnt Tell You

Toddler boy absolutely, utterly and completely refuses his bath. This has been building up for a while, first it started with the hair wash. In his little world, a hairwash equals a breath hold. Mummy and daddy then fuss around and long term, it means very few hair washes and a stinky head. The progress of this smelly condition is easy to chart as it continued on to a breath hold in the bath just for having a wash until nowadays, a breath hold outside the bath. When a bath is a possibility. “No! don’t want to!” then shrieks of absolute terror and loudness so extreme, that I’m fully expecting a social worker to appear at any minute.

This got me thinking; was it a boy thing? After all, little boys definitely have a very distinctive smell about them. When crowded together, the smell can be over-poweringly deadly. A factor that puts me off re-training to become a teacher. A quick Twitter later and it seems that no, this is indeed a child thing. Yuck!

Therefore I present my work in progress (my two are still quite young);
The Phases of Childhood- Things They Didn’t Tell You (applicable to both girls and boys, ages are an approximation)
Phase 1 (Birth- approx 3 months) Projectile Poos and Wees. Without going into great detail. Hubby had to repaint one of our bedroom walls.
Phase 2 (3 months-6 months/ 18 years) Incessant Eating. Just when you thought you could sit down and watch TV, you will find a small child requiring milk/ juice/ snack/ meal or pre-snack milk/ juice etc etc
Phase 3 (6 months- 1 year) The main period of carpet ruining. You thought it was reflux early on. No, no, no! Its the phase when they start moving, grinding their rusks, bogeys, etc into the carpet whilst ripping it up and generally producing slime which stains in hard lumps which you will find in places years later. At this stage, you will also find it impossible to change a nappy without poo being spread everywhere as the baby learns that it can move away from you. I advise the purchase of rubber gloves.
Phase 4 (1 year- 15 months) Pot plant ruination, an appetite for mud will develop. This will lead to a general lack of soil, stained clothes, carpet and strange looks from friends. At this stage you will also find it even more impossible to change a nappy without poo being spread everywhere as the toddler runs away mid nappy change.
Phase 4 (15 months – 2 years) The start of the smelly phase, hair washing will become traumatic. they will insist on wearing the same T-shirt for days on end.
Phase 5 (2 years-….) Forget trying to bath your child, who will have lumps of poo welded to their bottom as they refuse to potty train. They will not allow anything remotely resembling cleanliness.

To be continued….


12 Responses

  1. New Mummy 24th August 2009 / 11:22 am

    Oh no looks like I've got a lot to look forward to!!

  2. Pippa Haines 24th August 2009 / 1:36 pm

    My two little ones have been comming into the shower with either Daddy or I since they were little and love it. I was wondering if it might be an optiob for you. Howere my eldest is now 3 and we're definately stage 5, with the poo and refusing to tell me he's done it, let alone tell me he wants to.

  3. Mark 24th August 2009 / 2:37 pm

    …. phase 48 (age similar) Very little hair left to wash so uses this as threat to ensure young boy washes without fuss (look what happened to Daddy)….<br><br>Phase 75 -ish. (age three score and ten +) Back to mewling and pewking, missing the loo while peeing… Oh, I so I hope I don&#39;t get like that.

  4. MuddynoSugar 24th August 2009 / 6:11 pm

    Phase 6 – Think this only applies to 6 year old girls, so you may be ok – this is the roll your eyes, back chat, I am really 15 stage…Also known as the too much Hannah Montana/High School Musical stage.<br><br>Or are they just softening the blow for when they really are teenagers?

  5. Juicytots 24th August 2009 / 6:16 pm

    Get one of those big plastic tubs and fill it with water &amp; bubble bath in the garden. Make it a game and bath him out there. There is a pic of my dd2 in a tub when we were camping on my blog (first post I ever wrote)it may make him realise getting wet isn&#39;t that bad and break the cycle. Good luck 🙂

  6. MuddynoSugar 24th August 2009 / 6:16 pm

    phase 6 – specific to 6 year old girls. This is the roll your eyes back chat stage, the – when did I get a 15 year old daughter?<br><br>I blame Hannah Montana largely for this.

  7. Harry 24th August 2009 / 8:22 pm

    Don&#39;t worry &quot;New Mummy&quot; uur twins are now two and a half and I don&#39;t recognise those phases at all. Perhaps we&#39;re really lucky but we&#39;ve had none of these issues. That&#39;s not to say we don&#39;t have plenty of problems – but we&#39;ve not had any of these.

  8. Ladybird World Mother 24th August 2009 / 8:22 pm

    Yup. Know that welded poo thing. Nice!! Well, cheer up. It only gets worse, as my sister keeps telling me.

  9. Muddling Along Mummy 25th August 2009 / 5:43 am

    Oh dear – I didn&#39;t realise that there was a smelly phase to add to the mini teenager one that is developing … <br><br>Another vote for bath in a box – Toddlergirl loved hers whilst our bathroom was being redone

  10. mummywhisperer 26th August 2009 / 12:52 pm

    If you like I&#39;ll try to give you some ideas about this more indepth – perhaps on my facebook fanpage in the discussions? I&#39;ll need to know some bits &amp; pieces about his values, and what you&#39;ve tried already.<br>I did experience this with Max about 6 months ago (he&#39;s 3.5 now) – but overcame it, so it can be sorted – thank god, now that I have a pregnant bionic nose again!<br>

  11. Vic 28th August 2009 / 10:26 am

    Im sure we&#39;re still on phase 4 – although that said, maybe it&#39;s just that phase 4 is a boy&#39;s life until they start trying to catch girls and spending hours doing their hair in the mornings…

  12. sarahcollister 30th August 2009 / 7:57 pm

    Phase 3 is where we are at at the moment. You will your little one to crawl for ages, but it is awful when they do. Nappy changing will never be the same I fear…

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