We have had pretty much, if you include the first pregnancy three and a half years of this. I love my children and I am happy that I had them, I do feel absolutely blessed. However, I am convinced that they have aged me at least ten years.
I didn't have much choice, I wasn't in a position to have children before my thirties. Instead, I went to university, tried to have a career, rooted myself in a comfortable lifestyle and generally became a bit set in my ways. Looking back, I feel a bit skeptical as to whether this was actually the right choice. Certainly, if I had got onto the property ladder earlier, we would have had an even nicer house, or a smaller mortgage.
Where I live, I could probably be considered quite a young mum, in fact at most of the mother and baby groups, I am. It's an affluent commuter belt town. There are large numbers of twins, many, many people have become pregnant as a result of IVF. Is this a good thing?
The mums in their twenties that I see, have lower expectations for their standard of living. I think it's that they are not so used to the nice restaurant meals, endless clothes, theatre trips, sleep and so forth. As a result they don't, generally, seem to ponder and worry and even push their children quite as much. They accept things much easier and generally seem the fare a lot better on the lack of sleep. I just don't think parenthood takes its toll quite as much. Some would argue that this is of course, nature. Its only in the last 100 years or so that we have been able to really dictate when we have our children, biologically. I am sure that there are probably health benefits to doing it earlier.
With some of these arguments in mind, I think that actually, on reflection its much better to have your children earlier on in life, for your sake. So if its something you are considering, don't wait. There is never a right time.
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I think it helped me, in that i wasn't used to having money at all- so I didn't feel like I was missing out - no career yet, no lifestyle really :) but that was always the plan - kids first then career - just wish it was as simple as I had thought and life hadn't gotten in the way...
I was 30 when I had my daughter. I in't think I would have been mature enough in my 20s to bring up a child. I understand your point though, it is exhausting. Biologically it has to be better to have babies younger, I'm sure.
'There is never a right time' - Think that is true. There are advanatges to both approaches.
Sensitive issue - but the facts show there is a big class (hate that word but it will do) differential in the age people have kids; middle class couples have kids later. And that will correlate to some of your other comments about parent's expectations.
Of course, there are many generalisations here, but I concur with your thoughts about the financial aspects. It does seem to me that many people give themselves huge stress by trying to maintain a lifestyle they have become accustomed to - this is entirely understandable, but sometimes I question whether they might be happier downsizing a little.
God post
'There is never a right time' - Think that is true. There are advanatges to both approaches.
Sensitive issue - but the facts show there is a big class (hate that word but it will do) differential in the age people have kids; middle class couples have kids later. And that will correlate to some of your other comments about parent's expectations.
Of course, there are many generalisations here, but I concur with your thoughts about the financial aspects. It does seem to me that many people give themselves huge stress by trying to maintain a lifestyle they have become accustomed to - this is entirely understandable, but sometimes I question whether they might be happier downsizing a little.
Good post
Oh I agree. Especially the bit about having children aging me 10 years or so!
From the other perspective (I had the girlchild at 24), I've never had the chance to travel much or go out for nice dinners. Mr H didn't graduate from university until 4 months before she was born so we didn't have the funds to do anything them. I'd love to do some travelling, but now it has to wait until the boychild (and any younger ones if we have any more) have finished university themselves (assuming they go) and if the housing market stays as it is they may end up moving back home to try and save for a house themselves. Will we have the health/energy to do things then? I'd love to be able to go out for the nice meals, I got a little down the other night when Mr H came back from a posh works dinner - £75 a head, plus £54 for wine!). I'll never have that, even if I go back to work thanks to childcare costs we'll never be able to afford it.
At church I'm a young mum, at the school gate I'm about average; several much younger mums, several 10 years older. (I live in a funny bit of Essex, a mix of big council estates and a commuter district for London).
I totally agree with your last sentence - there never is a right time.
ps. apologies if this doesn't make much sense, the boychild is haveing a right old grizzle for no reason on my lap.
If I'd started younger I think I'd have had a lot more children so I'd still be old and tired!
I don't think there's a 'best time' however, I think it's an advantage if you aren't used to having lots of disposable income and luxuries.
I didn't feel ready to have kids until my 30s. To be honest I'm still not sure that I am ready!
You're right that there's never a right time. I guess a lot of us would never have had kids if we'd been waiting for that right time. In the end, this time around we decided that if we kept waiting for that time we'd never have a second.
I think the more important thing, rather than having a child when it's the right time in your career or financially, is to look deep inside and decide whether it's the right time for you and the other half as a family.
We tried to have children younger, but it didnt happen and we were blessed when Mini and Maxi Mad came along when I was in my 30s and MadDad his 40's.
I think there are pros and cons to when to have children, I agree that biologically we are meant to do it sooner rather than later, but emotionally I would never have been ready and MadDad was still a child himself like most men!!
As a twenties parent I am completely happy with my decision. I had plenty of living and travelling which is by no means over. I have friends with children the same age as my eldest going through the menopause...
I think 100 years ago women were having children into their forties but they were fourth or firth children not the first.
I had no choice about timing as I didn't meet the love of my life til I was 33 and we worked as fast as we could to have our first child together just a month after my 35th birthday.
However I'm sure that if I'd had children in my twenties then I would have had more energy. After all, I shudder now when I think how little sleep I used to have during a weekend of partying. I used to go back to work for a rest! That kind of stamina would come in useful now.
But the time before having children allowed me to have two careers, three separate university experiences, acquire 4 godchildren and sort my head out. I'm sure all those opportunities have made me a better Mum.
As for the money,I agree with Mark, downsizing is a beautiful thing. Moving out of the south east is the best thing to do ever and Boden do good sale items. There are many more things to worry about other than money.
You're at a very difficult point at the moment with two demanding pre school children. Once the children are at school, I know that seems a long way away but it isn't really, life will get easier. With the torture of sleep depravation it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the bonus of being an older mum will shine through, you have a greater resource of life experiences to pass on, it will pay dividends, honest!
I am a 24 year old mum and wouldn't change it. Biologically I feel equipped to deal with sleepless nights etc. and thinking about subsequent children, I am very lucky to have the luxury of total choice about when we do it. But, socially it can be lonely!
I have a degree, nice job, am generally not an idiot - most of my friends my own age just don't have babies yet. So I have about zero friends to share this with!
Living in Brighton means that other mothers I meet all tend to be about 10 years older than me. Which is fine as far as I'm concerned but I do think that they make assumptions about my class based on my age...
But then, on the other hand again, I have got excellent support from my parents. If I had waited until I was in my thirties to procreate, my dad would have been in his mid-seventies and probably would be less involved.
As pp have said - most people don't actually find someone to settle down with until later so don't have the luxury of choice. And there are pluses and minuses to both sides... But I err on the side of the sooner the better, for our particular circumstances.
I get where you are coming from - but I think if I'd had my child earlier, there would have been a lot of things I would miss today. Traveling six weeks through Southern Europe with a backpack three summers in a row? Swanky holidays in Miami? The city job? Traveling for work like a maniac? Kissing different guys? Partying all weekend long? The list goes on and on.
Been there, done that. And I wouldn't want to miss a thing. Plus, I can lean back and take it easy, accepting the fact that I don't get anything done. I don't have to achieve anything in the classical sense, because I did already. And so have you.
xx D
I was 19 when i has my first baby, fresh out of college and just moved in with the hubby. I am gald i had my babies early because i know by the time i'm 35 my eldest will be 16 (i think thats right?) and i will still have plebtly of time to go back to uni or just enjoy time with the hubby and do things that i missed out on.
I'm considered a young mum and to be honest i think i'm the youngest in the whole school which can be hard. It's easy to be judged when you are in your early 20's i get looked down upon by so called middle class mothers and it hurts.
there is no right time to have children but when you know you just know xxxx
oh how I agree. The two things that work against having kids in the thirties (in my case late thirties even) is that you don't get any younger and I'm generally exhausted even on a good day. Secondly, you are so set in your ways, and the life change of having kids is so substantial - I really struggled with it, and it made life quite hard for me. When you're younger it's so much easier to adapt and to change.
Not that I had a choice, life doesn't go to plan. I always wanted kids reasonably early, having had an "older" mum wanting to do things differently. I ended up older than her when I had my daughter.
Oh and did I mention the body clock not exactly working in favour of older mums? Not to be underestimated!
Interesting post. Having had my first aged 39, and wanting another I totally agree with you. I am too old and tired to cope with the relentlessness that is being a mother. I didn't meet my hubbie until well into my 30's and by the time we were married I was almost 37 so I didn't have much choice :(
I had Jay (who is about 3 months or so younger than Toddler Boy) at 25. Doing the nursery visits last week we were the youngest parents at 28 and 30 respectively (we're in a reasonable area of Hemel).
I do sometimes feel looked down upon for being a young Mum, not owning a house yet etc. but what people can't tell from looking at me is that I have 3 degrees and have battled a life of health problems to get where I am. I would never have been healthy enough to take gap years travelling or long weekends of partying, so going straight from a quiet studious life to being a Mum has suited me well. I still don't have the energy for a social life though!
For the sake of my health, unexpectedly discovering I was pregnant just days after I turned 25 was a blessing. I feel like I have years to improve my health and no pressure to have any more just yet. Because of my experience I am in awe of how some women have babies so close together when they feel the biological clock ticking - I couldn't do it at all! Besides, I still want to get my clinical doctorate, which will take me 3 years. Having done my MSc whilst Jay was 6-23m I'm not wanting to repeat the experience, so it's now a question of 'Baby or doctorate?' for me. Either way, it's another big commitment! And no, there's no 'right time'!
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