One way of keeping a child happy...

Some might say that this is evidence for the first time that the tips in this book have kept a child contented...

One way of keeping a child happy...

POO! HISS!

I'm having trouble with pooing at the moment. Not personally, I can recommend prune juice. Its the children, Toddler boy, will not allow me to change his nappy or go on a potty. So I spend a lot of time each day chasing him around the house until I resort to rugby tackling him to the ground and pulling his trousers and nappy off. All the time praying that A) its not a runny poo and B) it doesn't go on the carpet. This is a hilarious pastime for a toddler, I'm hoping it might lead to a place in the England Rugby Squad.
Baby girl has erratic poos, I lie in bed in fear that the next mega poo will occur either when I'm out and about or at 2 in the morning when I'm half asleep. Each poo inevitably entails an entire clothes change and when it happened at the zoo I ended up with projectile poo up my arm. Nice!
If anyone has any tips on pooing, feel free to post them here. Please note, I will not be held responsible for any puns.

POO! HISS!

The Baby Shelf

I have developed a special anatomical feature named by hubby as a shelf. Basically my once flat tummy has sort of gone all squidgy and flabby and there is now a fetching overhang. Great. I don't think the chocolate helps. I reckon I may have to enter Bridget Jones knicker territory. This feature of pregnancy is now added to my list of ' things they don't tell you about having children'.
Anyhow, in an attempt to do something about it, I embarked on a 25 minute run this morning. I quite impressed myself as I didn't even stop. Whoo-hoo! Now all I have to do is starve myself and I might be able to fit into some of my clothes.
For those of you that live in St Albans, my run consisted of a circular route around the St Stephens area, with a few double backs incorporated. I was astonished by the number of stray RSPB stickers, the product of a special event in Verlamium Park whereby people dressed in green outdoor wear try their best to corner you into looking into their telescopes at some trees where herons live. I have my own binoculars, so I'm safe.

The Baby Shelf

Im Definitely a Slummy Mummy

Whilst being dragged by toddler to expensive supermarket- possibly his most favourite place in the whole world I spotted another mother with a similar baby sling to mine. The one that's a long piece of material which you wrap in a complicated manner and look all earth mother- or like a sort of trussed up sausage if you are me. Anyhow, I thought I'd strike up a conversation in case she had any tips on how to use it.
It turned out that the age gap between her little ones was a month shorter than the one between mine. However, we were leagues apart, I could tell, she could tell. She was dressed immaculately with a row of beads, earrings and presentable hair, her jeans neatly pressed and the children behaving themselves in that special way that other peoples children do. Me, on the other hand, was wearing my 'fat' combat trousers, carefully taken straight from the tumble dryer and covered in mud despite only having walked a few yards in them. A slightly grubby ski jacket, hair that frizzed the moment I stepped out from the door and the piece de resistance a nice sort of sore red patch under my nose from my cold. I was also at that point still dangling from the other end of a set of reins. Not the winning end. I think I need to move to somewhere less suburban.

Im Definitely a Slummy Mummy

Appreciating Life

Ive had a terrible few nights sleep. Not as a result of baby, its the toddler who is now playing up. Perhaps its my fault again, I forgot to apply the snufflebabe that seems to help with his cold. However, it has given me lots of time to think. Its strange how your life changes when you have a baby.

Last night, all I could think about was how it would be wonderful to have a child free night at one of those posh hotels, like http://www.thegrove.co.uk/ scene of my Hen night and home to one of the best swimming pools I have ever had the fortune to use. Or http://www.the-vineyard.co.uk/ where me and hubby stayed for part of our honeymoon and which had the fluffiest pillows and biggest bath Ive ever seen. A night of peace, pampering and luxury. Those days seem such a long while ago now. I don't think I appreciated it all at the time.

I also quite fancy going back to the days of shopping in Liberty, weekends in Copenhagen, Paris, Barcelona and Rome and eating out in a civilised, relaxed way. Now a trip to Pizza Express and a whizz around the shops in Watford seems extravagant. Its not that I don't love my babies, its just that its quite a shocking lifestyle change in what is effectively 2 years. So my message to any one considering having a baby is to make sure that you appreciate your life for what it is at the time. I guess that's a message that I should also listen to now as things will now doubt be very different again a few years from now.

Appreciating Life

It was welly nice

We had a tantrum in the shoeshop on Saturday, it was our fault as we promised toddler boy that if he went in the pushchair we woud buy him a new pair of wellies. Some that actually fit. How was I to know that they would sell out his size. As a result we had to bribe him with cake and drinks in the St Albans Abbey Cafe. We had quite a nice time there, entertainment was provided by the staff. Apologies to the man who cleared our table wearing what could only be a described as hairpiece, whilst hubby asked me how I intended to-pay.

It was welly nice

What to do When it Snows

Scream, cry, stamp your feet- and that's just the toddler. So far this week we have:

• Explored the Cbeebies website
• Watched countless DVDs and television
• Ruined the carpet by making lots of things from Playdough
• Played shopping
• Played bumper cars- this did lead to a bit of an accident
• Played at giving soft toys a bottle of milk
• Drawing
• Played what happens when the safari car crashes whilst on a safari where there are plastic gorillas and zebra in the same area...
• Reading
• Made some cakes
• Played with the toy garage
• Built an imaginary house using the toy drill and saw
• Played at changing nappies
• Played Mario and Sonic at the Olympics
• Played Wii Sport tennis and bowling
• Danced around the coffee table
• Circuit training around the coffee table
• Piled up lots of bricks and knocked them down
• Sat in the playpen and thrown some balls around
• Played football in the kitchen
• Fed the fish
• Rocked on the rocker
• Sang nursery rhymes
• Done 3 different puzzles
• Seen how many animals fit into the toy farmhouse

Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What to do When it Snows

chocolate digestives and health visitors

Well, the health visitor actually appeared this morning. Half of me was hoping she wouldn't battle the snow and rain to come and tell me off for bottle feeding. After the breast is best lecture she told me not to feel guilty. I wasn't until she lectured me! She also took one look at toddler and said he was a bit on the chunky side. She wanted to weigh him too, but he wasn't having it. I went and got him a chocolate digestive, oh, the joy of subtly winding up the health care profession.
After this excitement, a decision was made to go out and brave the weather, so off we trotted along the alleyways of the Verulam estate to the local supermarket and postbox. Toddler boy got wet again, but preferred to tantrum rather than go in the buggy. The neighbours must think I'm a brilliant mum.
When I arrived at said expensive supermarket I couldn't actually remember what I wanted to get. So in the best tradition of snowy weather I bought some chocolate, bread and some broccoli. a nice random selection of ingredients, none of which can go together to make anything substantial to eat, unless a creme egg sandwich counts. I now recall I wanted some bananas.

chocolate digestives and health visitors

Answers Please!

A few things have been troubling me during my night-time awakenings, I think they might be too advanced to send into Nina and the Neurons though:

Why is baby poo bright yellow, as the milk that goes in isn't?

Why is it so hard to get back to sleep when you are exhausted?

Why does it seem colder at night than in the daytime even when you leaving the heating on?

Who thought it was a good idea to let the new Cbeebies presenter flaunt her disability in front of very small children? I'm worried it might be the cause of toddlers nightmares.

Answers Please!

One Hour of Sleep

I exaggerate, probably twice that in reality. Curse children with colds and their mothers who take them out into the world to spread to other children. Curse medical science as it hasn't invented a cure for the common cold. Curse all television stations for their rubbish daytime scheduling. Curse snow. Curse global warming- scrap that one. Curse small plastic animals with their sharp pointy bits that dig into my slipperless feet. Curse hubby's firm who expect him to actually turn up at work. Grrrr!

One Hour of Sleep

Blizzards

My first day alone and outside there is a blizzard. Humpf. We did have a short play in the garden, but that was superseded by a desire in the toddler boy to go out the front. Which ended up in a full-scale pushchair expedition to the shop. I didn't think a baby sling was appropriate, in case I slipped over and squashed the vampiric (only awake a night) little one.

The snow was so deep it went over the top of toddlers In The Night Garden wellies and so he got wet feet and insisted travelling in the pushchair. It was hard pushing 2 little souls. Although I did enjoy making a bit more of it that I needed to. At the shop people asked me if I was alright, clearly only a mad woman takes a pushchair out in 5 inches or so of snow. No! I thought, I'm following the instructions of a 21 month old, I am not allowed independent thought or to sit quietly reading a book anymore, I have come to this in the quest for an easy life. I managed to purchase some more chocolate though and sitting here eating it, looking out at the snow and at the random middle aged men that seem to be periodically walking past, I feel very content and blessed.

Blizzards

A bottle of house white please

Baby girl is on 3 hour feeds. Ive done the evil thing and succumbed to bottles. People don't tell you about the pain, the lack of sleep and how to deal with a starving baby who feeds for an hour and then has 4 ounces of milk from a bottle. I suppose I'm going to be blacklisted by the health visitor. She spent the last couple of weeks enraged about being hungry and waking her brother up constantly. Now she is calmer, probably temporarily, although I cant quite believe how much she eats. She clearly takes after her mummy and daddy who have taken to eating 3 Cream Eggs per day each in order to cope with the chaos. They all did say that children cost a lot of money- all the additional chocolate, sweets and wine you are driven to consume I suppose.
Hubby returns to work tomorrow, good job I managed to get a new Bob the Builder DVD cheap in the Zavvi closing down sale or I really would be driven mad- make that even more mad....

A bottle of house white please