Dilemmas with Poo and Dogs

A few weeks ago I went for a walk in some beautiful woods with Fifi in the baby sling and toddler boy sort of running free, with random rein usage to keep him in check. It was all going well, we stopped to look at leaves and insects and to decide which path to take. THEN, toddler boy stood still, went red in the face and strained. Oh S**t, quite literally and as I didn't have any spare nappies with me, this thought had double resonance. So the dilemma came. I had a quick peak and it was quite a solid one, several thoughts ran through my mind;

Should I go home?

Should I let him wander about with it?

Should I use my last remaining tissue and scoop/ flick it out and hope it gets buried in the undergrowth? Lets face it- we've all had that thought in such dire times of need

What would Tommy Zoom do? (in the voice of the man who does the voice overs in the Cbeebies programme)

Shall I? Shan't I? I wish I wasn't so indecisive.

Then, in the distance a dog walker appeared. Oh S**t times twenty, this really isn't the time for indecision. So I dithered, until the dog walker was about 40 metres or so from us. This was when her dogs decided to come bounding over to us. Now, I'm not keen on strange dogs at all. I don't mind ones I know, or ones that belong to friends whom I trust. But strange ones, no way. Frozen with a mixture of fear and indecision, I looked at toddler boy trembling in his wellys.

This was not on, the dogs were bouncing around us, yaping, nearly as big as toddler boy. So, I did what all rabbits do when frozen in the headlights and stood incredibly still, poised to boot one of the dogs if they came within a metre of toddler boy. And, I stood still and still and still, for about 4 minutes. At which point I looked over at the horse faced witch dog owner. She spoke; 'Don't worry they are good with children.' RAGE overcame me. I considered kicking the dogs, then realised it wasn't their fault. I then considered kicking the owner, that would have required leaving toddler boy to the mercy of the dogs. I spoke 'I'm actually very frightened of dogs and have been trying not to convey this to my toddler'. She looked at me with an evil stare, whistled the dogs and off they bounded. No apologies or explanation as to why it was such a good idea to let her dogs intimidate some strangers.

I still feel aggravated and annoyed by this encounter. Its not the first time that a similar thing has happened to me. Myself and a work colleague have an on going battle with another dog owner in Verulamium Park who insists on letting her Doberman run up and bounce up onto both of us. Despite, both of us telling her we are scared of dogs. It is a very frightening experience when a large strange dog jumps on you. I cannot understand the selfishness of it. I choose not to have a dog, why do I have to put up with other peoples dogs jumping all over me? Especially when I am genuinely frightened of them.

The thing that worries me is that these dog owners are usually at quite a distance from their dogs, how can they be so sure that the dog wont suddenly take a dislike to me, or one of the kids? It is, in my opinion extremely irresponsible, selfish and unthinking behaviour. And just in case I do ever encounter the dog owning witch of Sherrardswood I shall be hoping that toddler boy does another special poo, which I can accidentally flick her way. Rant over.

Dilemmas with Poo and Dogs

Cycling Tips for Kids

I've spoken before about Road Safety and how I'm having problems making sure toddler boy actually understands the dangers. At the time I was given some brilliant links by Kerry from Think Parents Network. Well, recently Toddler boy has shown a real interest in cycling and he has begun to work out how to peddle his little trike. It wont be long before he wants to get out there onto the mean streets and mummy has yet another thing to worry about. I hope he doesn't try to go as fast as Elliot in ET did when he was taking ET back to meet his alien spaceship. And as a seven year old me did, in tribute to the film. This resulted in a particularly bad crash in Trent Park, Cockfosters, London which has left me scarred for life, some would say both mentally and physically.

Just as well to be prepared then, and I'm writing this as much as a reminder to me, as one for you. As it happens, the Department of Transport have been updating the cycling section of their website and Ive been sent a load of links to share with you all. I really hope that they will be of use, even if your little one isn't old enough yet, I would bookmark them for the future, it will save you a lot of time and effort.

• Tales Of The Road website
• 
  DfT channel on YouTube
• 
  the DfT’s road safety education website with info for parents, teachers and children
• 
  booklet you can download giving more information and tips on road safety here.
• 
  Cycle training for children aged eight and above.

I'm also told of a panel of mums that can help with any of your cycling concerns, you can find them here. Just don't ask them how to padlock your child to the bike to stop them going anywhere, I don't think they will find it amusing.

Think Parents have compiled 5 handy cycling tips;
· Use your head! – make sure you are wearing the right size helmet and it is fitted correctly
· Be bright, be seen! – wear light, bright reflective clothes and accessories
· Size matters! – ensure your child’s feet can touch the floor comfortably (bike is not too big or small)
· Bright ideas! – accessorize your bike with lights and reflectors, and ensure they are kept clean.
· Safe Place to Ride! – Stay on cycle lanes and get off the bike and walk if the road looks too busy


I'm not being paid for this, it isn't a plug. Its just a public service announcement from Being a Mummy. Have fun, but be safe, ET wasn't real but the Goonies really did have that adventure.

Cycling Tips for Kids

School can ruin your life

Life just isn't fair, its school half term, Katie Price and Peter Andre have split up, someone rubbish is going to win Britain's Got Talent and in terms of the weather its turning out to be like Wimbledon week, except without a Cliff Richard soundtrack. Unless you live in the mother-in laws house, in which case, they are all going on a summer holiday and its mistletoe and wine all round.

I never thought I would start getting affected by half-term when my children hadn't yet reached school age. But yes! Our regular activities have stopped, the shops, museums and libraries are full of screaming oiks (aside from my kids that is) and you can't watch television for Dick and Dom. Its not fair! My kids are not at school! Why do I have to suffer from lack of organised activities and provide even more home-based activities?

Take today, I was forced to take the pair of them to the shops, wherein we managed to lose a sock in Marks and Spencers and eat half a baguette in Sainsbury before we had even paid for it. I then returned home in the Zafira thinking how Ive turned into one of those unfortunate souls I used to look at and pity. This thought literally forced me to eat a piece of cheesecake, 2 apple turnovers and a couple of biscuits for my lunch. The weather is not congenial to running so I shan't be able to counteract the negative effect of this. Thus the downwards spiral continues and its all the fault of the school system.

School can ruin your life

So many awards, so little time!

I'm so flattered, over the last few weeks I have quite literally been inundated with awards. Ive spent a long time preparing my speech, looking for the dress, having my hair trialed and so forth. In fact, so long that if don't just get on with with it I will be so far behind that it won't be worth posting and no-one will give me another award. So here's to just diving in...

Four different people have bestowed upon me the One lovely blog award. I'm very grateful , it will look particularly fetching on my side bar.
Thanks to:
Supply and Demands
Amy
Maternal Tales
Mummy New

Now, Ive got to think of ten blogs that I have newly started reading. This is impossible as I don't have enough hours in the day, so I'm going to cheat by saying have a look at my blog roll I'm expanding it slowly with my favourites. In case you are also running short of time, have a quick look at these little beauties;

Daddacool; nothing wrong with keeping it in the family!
Motherhood; I'm jealous of her lifestyle

Bringing Up Charlie; Brilliant Daddy Blogging
Clarey; She shares my name

Rebel Mother; I love the humour and honesty here

Jo's Blog; shes a superwoman of god and soon to be mum to three

As I say, I'm so behind. Stop sniggering hubby! Ive been given two awards by Metropolitan Mum first the F**cking Fabulous Award where you need to list 5 addictions. Ive done this before so I'm not going to bore readers, suffice you could put chocolate as all of them and I'd be happy! Also, The Lemonade Award. I'm going to cheat, appreciate the award without doing a task and pass it on to:

Aussie Mum

Woman at work

and finally A Modern Mother for starting such a fabulous network of mummy bloggers.

Now a glass of champagne all round!

So many awards, so little time!

Farewell old friend

Today is a sad day for me, as i say goodbye to my trusty SUV (RAV 4). Its a guilty secret, please don't hate me! I have had the much maligned one for 4 years and still love it as much as the day it came home with me. Although that was indeed a truly epic day. First, a car full of mental looking Chinese lads crashed into the back of me and drove off at speed. I took one look at my car which was unscathed, and one look at them and thought better of doing anything. Then I appeared at our ex- council house with my over twenty thousand pounds worth of car to the amazement of Colin next door 'well of course I used to have a Frontera, not as good as the Astra though...'. I don't think I have ever felt so smug in all my life! It was then parked there for almost a year, as if I moved it, the neighbours would seize my parking spot so I had miles to walk to get to the front door. A sort of revenge tax on nice car ownership.

Now I know these cars have a bad press, but there is another side to them. Quite simply they are brilliant fun. You are high up, they feel sporty, you have a brilliant sound system, a sun roof and comfortable seats, I had the stereo buttons on my steering wheel (sob). So, Ive made excuses for my ownership of it; I'm an archaeologist, I need it to drive across fields etc etc. But that's not strictly true, I could use any knackered old Japanese saloon car for that. It's quite simple, if you have ever driven one, you'll know why I got one.

Before the brand new Rav 4 (which incidentally is on a leasing scheme hence its return) I had a Renault 5. This was another car I loved and I was seriously in two minds about changing it. However, I was getting a bit sick of having to bale the water out of the passenger side every time there was a bit of rain. Goodness knows how it collected so much, but there was always about 2 inches of water.

This car took me through university, and many many jobs. It had a new engine as I blew up the original one and it also had potential which made it even more special. It could be lowered, have 'curtains' installed a big exhaust and a fifteen grand sound system. It would then still be worth two hundred quid and would not be cool, but it would have been a project. I could have gone to special Renault car days and teenage boys would be envious. The five had a small fuel tank which required frequent trips to the petrol station. I suspect it also had a hole in the fuel tank due to general age/ crapness. The fuel consumption was in fact very similar to the RAV, in fact it was probably more. Therein proof that small cars are not as environmentally sound as they are marketed to be! Still the opportunity arose to improve my (car) lot in life and so I took it.

I think part of my fondness for the RAV is that it is that wagon that took me to the hospital and the stork that delivered two healthy babies back home. It is the wagon that took us on some brilliant surfing adventures pre- children and family holidays post- children; 'hubby make sure you wedge that spare nappy in the tiny crevice to your left, it might be essential; oh, no another car-seat poo!'

However, it is also the vehicle that caused me to lose my no claims bonus when a maniac trying to write off his car drove into me on a roundabout, and then blamed me! Strange foreboding warnings not to buy the car occurred in the last few weeks, such as the price actually going up by £300 every time I enquired of its value. And, of course, I have received many looks and comments over its disgracefulness. The one thing that remains with me though is the return trip to the supermarket when I opened the boot and a very expensive bottle of wine fell out and smashed on the floor in front of me, and neighbour Colin, which made it even worse.

So, farewell, old friend and hello, new (to me) Zafira, may you experience many car-seat poos and travel sickness and more importantly help us create some happy memories.

Farewell old friend

What I really mean

I haven't blogged much this week as Ive been busy writing threatening letters to Waitrose; 'I would like to make a complaint about your toddler trolleys. Should they not be removed, at the very least to a location away from the main door, I shall be doing all my shopping at Sainsbury...' In my mind, I actually wrote 'I hate your f****ng toddler trolleys, they make my life a misery, if you don't do something about them I will let my toddler run rampage through your store without me and merely meet him at the exit after he has destroyed all your products, maimed several pensioners and caused himself an injury, for which I shall be contacting Claims Direct about. As I hold you personally responsible.' I hope they understand what I meant when I phrased it politely.

There are an increasing number of incidents whereby I find myself saying one thing and thinking another. Some examples follow;

• No, its really fine; I feel a little bit distressed about this, but I'm being a martyr
• He has beautiful red hair; not sure the ladies will think this when he is older
• Do you really think; I don't think
• Thanks, he loves In the Night Garden; That was last years thing, keep up!
• Any book is just fine by me; He already has seventeen copies of this, why don't you just buy what Ive asked for!
• Ive given up disciplining every little thing, its counter-productive; I cant be bothered

There are of course, many many more, but they involve far too many swear words to write here. Te- he he

What I really mean

Remarks on a third child

I spent the afternoon looking after Garden boy, as his sister sustained an injury at pre-school requiring a trip to A & E. So after an entertaining time at home, I decided to venture out with the boys in the pushchair and Fifi in the baby sling. I was quite enjoying my stroll, however I did get several comments.
'you've got your hands full'
'looks like hard work'
'rather you than me'
'triplets?'
NO, I'm simply looking after a friends child, and so what if I did have three children, is that anyone else's business. I was really quite shocked by the general attitudes and looks I received out there on the mean streets. It was almost as if people don't venture out with more than two children in tow. It was a revelation. A Christian joke now springs to mind; 'the Bible starts with two people in a garden and ends with a Revelation', or something like that anyway.
That all said, I am reminded of an incident in Waitrose yesterday when I was pushing the pushchair containing Fifi and supervising Toddler boy with one of THOSE STUPID trolleys designed for toddlers, probably by a man, to make what should be a nice shopping experience into utter hell. From the shadows of the bread section emerged at great speed towards me, a middle aged man. Gesturing in the direction of my tummy he remarked in a sort of whispered tone
'You're going to have your hands full'.
He was very lucky I didn't lamp him with a baguette.

Remarks on a third child

He doesn't love me (as much) anymore

I think that somewhere in amongst the whole pre-school 'harsh mummy leaving me' drama a fundamental change in allegiances happened in our household. Gone are the days when both of them want Mummy, now only one does and, as that one is only 4 months old, I think she associates me with food.

Absolutely every request is met with 'No Dadda', the boy even wants to be called 'Dadda'. Daddy gets lots of long kisses and cuddles and I get a cursory kiss if I offer a bribe.

' Do you love Mummy?'

' No, Dadda'.

Daddy feels a bit smug about this in a sort of obvious secret way, I can tell. At first I did find this a bit upsetting, I know he is only little, but Ive sacrificed my body, mind and career for the boy and it would nice to be a bit appreciated. Its not got to Shirley Valentine stage yet, I haven't started dreaming of running off to a small Greek island whilst I'm cooking the egg and chips. Actually I lie, I do wonder quite often what our lives would be like without the pair of them. But them I realise that there would be a massive gap.

Its funny, but as a mum you sort of feel a little bit of ownership over your children and you like to think that they worship you the most. I can of course, see where the boy is coming from as I also love Daddy. I think part of it is that I'm with them all day, I do the majority of nappy changes, disciplining and feeding. Whereas Daddy comes home and does all the fun things like football, story-time and general playing. However, I have my revenge, as when the night-time waking occurs the boy doesn't want me, no, its 'Dadda'. He he he.

I wonder if this is how it is going to be; boys together playing football, digging holes, drinking cold drinks, eating crisps and making a mess, whilst me and Fifi have cups of tea and a nice bit of cake whilst discussing our latest purchases and how to make the perfect dress. Its sexist I know, but a small part of me hopes so.

He doesn't love me (as much) anymore

The speed of toddlers

Went to the Zoo the other day. We were there for 8 hours, during this time we saw a minimal number of animals. However, we did spend half an hour playing in one of those little cars that you put money in and drive. Except I'm blowed if I'm going to put money in. Not sure what happens when toddler boy spots that they do more than just provide the opportunity to turn a wheel. We nearly didn't get any further, I had to threaten the boy ' ifyoudontcomeandseesome animals... we are going straight home NOW!' Luckily, he did as he was told, or I would have been stuck with two children sobbing at home.

We also spent a considerable amount of time jumping in puddles, OK, well I didn't do much of that, as I'm a bit hefty at the moment. But I watched and occasionally got wet, does that count? We also had a picnic and then later on coffee and cakes. We touched a giraffe skull and marvelled at the colour of the flamingos and stood for a while looking at some damp lions.

Then I discovered that toddlers can actually run as fast as a car - the evidence is above. This didn't surprise me. So, Ive a message for Hertfordshire/ Essex/ Kent/ Berkshire/ Bedfordshire Constabulary, it really isn't me, its the toddler.

The speed of toddlers

Thin mummy's have hired help

This week I have developed my very own rubber ring. Its wobbly, squidgy, unsightly and frankly like nothing else I've ever seen in my whole life. So much for my dreams of being a yummy mummy, my mind is taking me one place, my belly has other ideas.

Back to the 100 sit-ups, and three mile runs a day I used to do then! BUT HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIT IN ANOTHER THING INTO MY DAY WHEN I BARELY HAVE TIME TO SLEEP. I've tried the jogging pram, its far too much stress as you don't have time to anticipate dog poo or cracked paving slabs. I've tried cutting down on the chocolate but I might murder the kids if I don't have it. Last week, I read somewhere that a lack of sleep can lead to weight gain. I think this is my problem. There is no other logical conclusion; thin mummy's have hired help.

Thin mummy's have hired help

A supermarket conundrum

Today I went to a different supermarket to usual as they had a third off nappies. The trolleys aren't quite as spacious, hence toddler boy was sort of wedged next to Fifi. Whilst I was perusing the cereals a sudden pang of hunger must have come over him and he decided to bite his sister's finger. Cue much crying.

What does one do in this situation, in a supermarket full of sightseeing pensioners looking wistfully at the gin? A cold sweat came over me, Ive never experienced such a scenario before. So,well, I said very loudly ' Don't bite your sister that's very naughty' looked over both their heads, and carried on towards the fish fingers, picking up two bags of jumbo Dairy Milk Buttons to calm my frayed nerves. I hope they want case studies at next weeks parenting class...

A supermarket conundrum

Parenting Class

Firstly please go and check out hubby's new blog. He is really getting into daddy blogging, I think its cool!

Ive been sent to parenting classes, its because I'm rubbish at disciplining a child that simply passes out whenever I discipline him. Ive taken a sort of ignore most types of naughty behaviour approach and use the naughty step. To be honest, its all such a drama that a lot of the time I can't be bothered. It doesn't come easy to me, as I'm someone eternally questing the easy life. Anyhow, frightened that I might end up on some kind of list I thought I had better go along.

I have to admit, I thought the classes would be full of the sorts of parents that you see coming towards you in the supermarket with their gaggle of track suited thugs making you do a sharp turn of the trolley, dashing towards the sanitary towels or whatever seems the closest and most unlikely aisle for them to go down. However, it seems that these ones, the ones arguably who would need it most, didn't appear. Half the expected numbers turned up and those present are all very well spoken, posh middle class 'wanting the best of their children' types. Many of them sat there saying how well behaved their child actually was. I felt a bit left out. But, I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Modern parenting approaches basically seem to come down to this: engage with your child in psychological warfare, double guess them, make them feel guilty and you will retain some sort of control. Silence is a powerful weapon in dealing with a child. Praise them as much as possible, but not in an insincere way, don't criticise them, if you do sandwich the criticism with praise. Heaven forbid, you might be driven totally and absolutely insane by little ones who are quite capable of engaging in their own form of psychology and know exactly the right buttons to press to turn you into a quivering wreck. I often put the ham in the cupboard, the front door keys in the fridge and find myself singing the tune to 'Balamory' whilst sitting on the loo. I'm not yet clinically insane, but I'm getting there.

I dunno, I'm beginning to think that a short sharp shock, a slap on the hand or even a smack although I haven't resorted to this yet, or the naughty step, might well be better than engaging in some of this pop psychology. Its over and done with then. Everyone can move on from it and the child understands. I wonder if there is a danger that they really don't understand what is going on if you try to distract them from their misdeed, reason with them over it or ignore them completely.

If I praise the crap drawings and the building without front doors all the time, what happens when they go to school and they don't get the praise for it? Surely its better to be a bit balanced about things. Show them when you do something particularly rubbish and laugh about it and talk about how you can do it better and apply the same principle to them.

If naughtiness occurs, and its about attention seeking, instead of just going silent and walking away, how about trying to deal with it first, depending on the situation. Before you do the silence thing? Silence is such a horrible thing, I wouldn't want anyone to do it to me. It can drag on for what seems like ages and its something that is very memorable. It can make a child feel dreadful and guilty. My worry is really that you don't see any physical scars with these techniques, but what about the psychological ones? If you start using some of these techniques, surely you are retaining a sort of power over your child that can last into adulthood. I'm not sure if that is a good thing, I'd like my children to feel free of me and to be able to do stuff without any guilt.

So in summary, I don't think I'm that far forward in my parenting style from going to the classes, but Ive only been to two sessions so I cant really comment too much yet. The naughty step approach seems to work quite well for us at the moment, as well as mummy keeping calm and choosing her fights. This hasn't been suggested yet, but I'm sure it will be (at least I hope!) You are, after all, only little once and mummy is mummy forever!

Parenting Class

The Best of British Mummy Bloggers Carnival

Zooarchaeologist has been on her surfboard riding the waves of the worldwide web for this months best mummy blogs. It's a good job its cold water out there, as Toddler boy managed to chop the top of my finger in half on Sunday night, hence this is being typed with one finger alone. But that's another story...
There are some broad themes to this carnival, think of this as a descriptive map:

The Midriff Float; fast, fun with lots of belly dancers
Over at All Grown Up there's some bump envy going on. Still, I'm jealous I wish I could just relax stick my tummy out. Its a good job that Emily (Maternal Tales from the South Coast) wasn't about, as she is busy muddling fat tummies and babies on the South Coast.

The Band; quite earnest singing going on here
There's a musical assembly to report at the Buggy Blog. Whilst at Little Sheep Learning its all about ten in the bed.

The Catering Tent
They are eating their dinner together in the WAHM- BAM household and its also dinner time at the Potty Diaries. Fab Mum can recommend tomatoes. Meanwhile, Cave Mother' s extolling the virtues of breastfeeding. I bow to her knowledge on the subject, having only managed three weeks of it myself.

The Toilets
Exmoor Jane, has recommended the loos at Disneyworld and those Brits in Bosnia are potty training.

The General Public/ Assembled Visitors
Visitors are always nice, but Amy's house has been trashed at and one more means four. Fantastic news, Noble Savage has discovered the secret to parental control; talk like a robot, even if it is a bit embarrassing. Milla's (Milla Country-lite) parents are going on holiday, leaving her with lots to remember. Just in case they go out with a bang!

The Cleaners
I'm rubbish at cleaning, a bit of pledge and a vacuum when the grit under foot gets too much, but Glamumous has it all in hand with a brilliant guide to natural cleaning products.

The Residents
Perfectly Happy Mum is none too keen on her neighbours, watch out, she might set the dog on you.

The Pink, Flowery Float sponsored by Being a Mummy (sorry, couldn't think of a better category!)
Zoe has written in a brilliant post whilst recovering from surgery for Breast cancer, about her feelings when her daughter left for university. Mom most traveled has written a lovely Mother's Day post. Surprise Mum is remembering that shes more than just a mum, she's treked in the Andes! Not Supermum is reminding us all to take time to smell the roses.
Rebel Mum is having similar thoughts to most of us and wondering whether she should have gone out with a bang aged 22. Regular readers will know that there is nothing I enjoy more than winding up yummy mummys at baby group and in Mummy New I have found a woman after my own heart.

The Emergency Services
Call the police, theres a virtual burglar at Are We Nearly There Yet?
To round up the day, the fire engines have been called, as there's a risk of fire at Motherhood; the final frontier

The Best of British Mummy Bloggers Carnival

Carnival Time

Roll up, Roll up Being a Mummy is proud to be able to host this months Best of British Mummy Bloggers on the 12th May. If you would like to take part, email me a link to your best post from the last couple of weeks: clairevictoriathornton [at] hotmail [dot] com
I can't wait to get reading!

Carnival Time

Road Safety

As luck would have it, on the day I publish possibly the worlds worst poem (TM), I have an unusually high number of hits on my blog. This was due to two factors, firstly hubby mentioned me on a computer games forum (!) and secondly I was given and award by Metropolitan Mum (hooray!).

As you may have gathered pre-school has not been going well for toddler boy. I think at two he is simply too young, although I'm not sure what would happen if I had to go to work and he HAD to go. Yesterday, traumatised by having to spend 2 hours there with him, fending off other kids who bombarded me with requests:

'help me with this...'

'you sit here..'

'[toddler boy's] crying again...'

'I want to sit there' points to Fifi in her pushchair

'you colour...'

'you help with [cue 200 different things]...'

I was standing outside discussing the situation with one of my friends when toddler boy made a break for it and literally ran straight into the road. Now, I realise that he is traumatised by all of this but I don't think he has been driven to suicide. So it seems that my strict road safety warnings have not got through. I use reins most of the time but on this occasion I was feeling sorry for him. I thought I'd let him get away with it, particularly as he seemed permanently stuck to my leg anyway. In my shock, I ran straight into the road myself. Christ, we could have both been dead. His soft toy bunny ended up in hospital all day. This caused maximum upset to the boy which was what I intended to do.

The whole scenario got me and hubby thinking about how to tell a two year old about road safety and how to make sure it sticks. We have come to the conclusion that we really need to scare the living daylights out of him. But how? We tried showing him some horrific internet videos and stuff, but that didn't seem to work so if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be very grateful.

In the meantime, a few months back, I got sent a lot of road safety information and I didn't have the chance to put it up here as I was busy having Fifi, but I thought this might be a good post to highlight it. I hope you find it useful, we certainly have!

‘Tales of the Road’ website with a new game – you can give it a whirl here: http://talesoftheroad.direct.gov.uk/be-bright.php

Other links that you may find helpful:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=n-stmrbw_xg – First TotR TV Ad on YouTube
www.direct.gov.uk/en/parents - info for parents
www.dft.gov.uk/think/focusareas/children/?whoareyou_id - info for kids
http://www.teachernet.gov.uk/ - info for teachers.

Road Safety

My Week by Claire aged 34 and 1 day [also finally insane]

A particularly poor attempt at poetry

Monday poorly
what a shame
Sickness surely
I'm not to blame

Playgroup, playgroup
its not fun
The child is screaming;
Help me mum

Wednesday birthday
Cash and cards
to spend, one day
without my charge

Playgroup, playgroup
Its not fun
the child is screaming
There's no relieving

Thursday afternoon
exhausted mum
Give me a break
at least to wipe my bum!

I think I'm going mad
but is that bad?

The End

My Week by Claire aged 34 and 1 day [also finally insane]

One wedding, a nose-bleed and a tree

OMG Ive got Swine Flu, I knew it, as soon as I saw the news reports I thought to myself I'd get it and I have. Well, perhaps not, but I do have a rotten stinking cold which will be perceived that way by all middle aged people I come across. Now is the time to go shopping!

This weekend saw the wedding of the decade. My baby sister married her handsome prince in a fairytale event at a country church not so far from here. The weather was gorgeous, she looked beautiful and I gave the assembled mass my germs.

I was a bit apprehensive about the day, having what can only be described as a wild two year old. I had been thinking of excuses for his wrong-doings for months in advance. However, true to the nature of demon children, he looked angelic and only beat up other small children and did other mis-deeds when people weren't looking. In fact, he looked so angelic that several women's eggs were heard releasing from their ovaries in a blatant act of rampant fertility brought about by his very presence. The little dear. Good job the mother of the 21 month old girl who acquired a nose bleed on the dance floor was taken in by his innocence, or I may have acquired my own bloody nose.

Alongside the disco, the highlight of the day for toddler boy was the chance to run around the gardens of the hotel in which the reception was held. An outdoor boy at heart, he would not sit still and listen to the speeches. So, I was amused by the Best Man's speech itself, but even more by the sight of hubby running around Benny Hill style after toddler boy through the window behind the top table.

It was a chance for toddler boy to make new friends, not content with the company provided by the wedding party, he chose to enjoy the friendship of a passing fancy dress party (I kid you not). At one stage, I saw him being individually addressed by ten different fancy dress characters, as they left on the way to their party. One had a name badge: 'Mizz Whiplash'.

There is a tree in the garden of the hotel which clearly acts as a den for any small child, it also affords the chance for any small child to escape capture. Toddler boy and his followers chose this tree to avoid capture by adults. It was also unfortunately a safe place to do a massive poo. If any of you have seen 'The Beeps' on Milkshake, Channel Five, here in the UK. I can only akin the tree to the one that pops up and starts singing. How I wish the tree had started singing at that moment. As it was, I had to find hubby and send him in to battle wearing his best Armani suit. You have never seen a man go so white at the prospect of a mission.

I suspect you are all wondering how baby Fifi got on at the wedding. Well, she stayed quiet, slept most of the time and behaved like a little angel. I am thinking of hiring her out for weddings, christenings and barmitzvahs.

One wedding, a nose-bleed and a tree

Book Review: Instructions not Included by Charlotte Moerman

I'm in awe of fellow mummy blogger Charlotte Moerman, not only does she juggle three little boys on a daily basis, but she has managed to write a charming book detailing their lives and her journey from office girl to mum to three in as many years. Charlotte's husband is a businessman travelling the world, so no help there and although she has a cleaner once a week to maintain some sort of order, she does it all herself. She is a woman that any mum can identify with, in fact, this would be a good manual for any first-time mum to be. It tells the truth!

How I laughed at her opening the door to the gas-man whilst in a whirl of breast-feeding chaos. I un-thinkingly did the same when our next door neighbour called round. Red cheeks all-round. I have to cook several different variations on dinner at different times every-night. Poor Charlotte is cursed with children who all seem to like wildly different food-stuffs. I have a double buggy, she has to use the double buggy and the sling. Ha, ha, someone has it worse than me. It made me feel so much better!

I have to admit that the start of the book jumped around a bit and it took me a while to get my head around what was going on. Then, all of a sudden the book and writing style metaphorically speaking, finds its feet, or rather, I suspect, that Charlotte found her feet, in terms of the writing required from blog to book. It's like motherhood as a whole, you jump around in a wild panic then, all of a sudden it all falls into place and you could look after 37 children whilst cooking a healthy organic meal, finding time to go to the loo and ironing hubby's shirts. I haven't got to that stage yet, but I can dream. I digress, by the end of the book, I really felt that the whole range of emotions involved in motherhood had been described beautifully and it was a real pleasure to read. It also has a particularly nice cover, important for anything that goes on my bookshelf.

I can't wait for some more installments and the film of the book. I wonder who Charlotte would like to play her, in my minds eye I have Renee Zwellegger down, but perhaps she has some other ideas. You can read her blog at The Buggy Blog and if you get the chance have a read of the book, I'm sure that you will enjoy it and find a few bits you can identify with.

Book Review: Instructions not Included by Charlotte Moerman

Another top tip

The tagging blog got me thinking of top tips to ease my daily life. Here are a few I thought I would share:

• Try to get the kids and yourself to sneeze in any possible public space. Put hands over your mouth, but none the less you should gain valuable fast service and personal space.
• Never let children eat raisins in the car.
• To save money get your DVD's and CD's from the library, should you chose to copy them onto your Ipod I cannot be held responsible.
• Bitesize Shredded Wheat are on offer in Sainsbury.
• An old duvet can be re-cycled in many, many ways.
• Baby wipes are good for dusting and save on the need to store the polish (by this I mean the product, not the nationality)
• If you decide to keep fish, go for an edible variety- why didn't anyone tell me this!
• You can tumble dry bras without disaster
• If you put your ironing carefully folded under your sofa cushions they will be flattened every time you sit down- a genuine top tip given to me recently!
• If you send your husband to fill up the car with petrol you wont have to do it yourself

I admit, I was scraping it a bit towards the end, but if I gave you all my secrets everyone would have it as easy as me. Cue hilarious, psychotic laughter

Another top tip