General Malaise

Yet again I am going through a phase where there is not a great deal of posting going on. I would like to say that it is a result of my enormously successful, busy lifestyle. However, it is not. It is simply that I am going through a phase of malaise that I am finding hard to shift. Hence my morning running sessions which are a real attempt to try to energise myself. I spend my entire time feeling tired, grumpy, tearful and craving a peaceful, quiet life. A sort of old fashioned rose tinted vision where I sit by the sea, sewing, reading and enjoying the solitude. In nearly four years I have only had two days where I have been totally alone and brief trips in the car to places. I crave the peace and quiet to sit in silence alone. I dream of a reality where I don’t worry about things and over-analyse things that people say to me. I dream of a reality where I am free to pursue my interests without worrying about money, time, health and the other mundane aspects of life.

It’s hard to say when this came on, I think perhaps I have over-stretched myself with the demands of work, running a house and dealing with two very small children who are looked after by a complicated routine of different carers. Each with different demands. I have suffered from depression in the past and mild anxiety. It feels something like that. The tiredness for no reason, the slightly strange thoughts, suspicion about the motives of others and the desire to remove myself from the competitive demands of everyday life.

In part, I am governed by my hormones, I have an absolute, yet uncertain and yet over-ruling desire to have another child. It is literally the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night. This is madness, I realise that it is totally unpractical for us in every single way. I feel conflicted by the demands of work, I feel as if I am missing out on my childrens lives and I feel guilty that I am not there. No-one mentions how difficult it is simply adjusting from being at work to being at home on a frequent basis. It is two entirely different mindsets and it is hard. I feel as if life is becoming a drudge; work, housework, sleep, feeding children and keeping them happy, shopping, with very little in between. I feel time limited, I have no time to enjoy doing something properly, to read, to blog, to listen to music, to enjoy going out with my husband. By this, I mean mental time, in part. I do things, but I am doing 100 other things in my mind. It is frustrating.

The toddler boy summed me up well the other day. I was standing in the queue at Waitrose, feeling mildly aggravated, by everything generally and he turned around and said: ” Mummy! Why you look like this?” At which point he stuck his bottom lip out and frowned. What do you say to that? Well, its because mummy feels well and truly browned off and just wants to go and have one night of uninterrupted, peaceful sleep where she doesn’t worry about anything? Or because mummy is fed up of queuing?

I am off on holiday soon, I think this will help.


9 Responses

  1. Lins 24th April 2010 / 7:24 pm

    Thank you for sharing this post and being so honest with your thoughts. I can't say at all that I know how you feel because I don't have children, and when hubby and I talk about any plans we have to have them, many of these emotions which you describe so well come up. There is a huge part of me that wants a baby more than anything else in the world, contrasted with the other half of me

  2. Metropolitan Mum 24th April 2010 / 9:00 pm

    Tiredness for no reason? You&#39;ve got to be joking! May I remind you that you haven&#39;t slept in FOUR years?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I think I&#39;d be sitting out a full blown depression right now if I were you. Honestly, I have no idea how you hold it together.<br /><br />Let me know if you still fancy a stroll down U street or if you want me to come up to St A. And for the reason behind my demand to

  3. Aussie Mum 25th April 2010 / 4:25 am

    Oh – I know exactly how you feel. I think it is the mental exhaustion of never having some peace and quiet to get your thoughts in order that really get to me (that and the four years of sleep depravation!). <br /><br />Don&#39;t get too hung up on the 3rd baby – we have made the leap into that hot water and the thought of the year ahead is terrifying me at the moment – I just live in denial at

  4. Snaffles Mummy 25th April 2010 / 7:22 am

    Hope you feel happier soon. That over whelming urge to have another child takes over every sleeping and waking moment doesnt it? <br /><br />I seem to constantly have that urge and the sillest of things make me cry.

  5. Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy 25th April 2010 / 9:16 am

    Being a Mum is so hard. Whatever you do, whether you work or not, you always feel torn and unable to settle properly. That longing for solitude and quiet, oh I know that well. Just quiet. I do occasionally ask my husband to take the kids away for a bit, to his parents or somewhere so I can sit in peace and just think. It is my lifesaver.<br /><br />Thanks for writing this, and don&#39;t worry, I

  6. Joanna 25th April 2010 / 5:21 pm

    I think that all of us feel like this at sometime and the trick is learning to be at peace with the decisions you have made. I say learning, because this is something I really struggle with. I&#39;m forever worrying if I&#39;m good enough, if my children are happy and where the money is coming from. <br /><br />I agree with all the others too- sleep deprivation completely addles the brain and

  7. MrsA 26th April 2010 / 1:04 pm

    I can understand what you&#39;re going through. M sometimes takes J out for the morning shopping or something so I can have some time to myself and do you know what I do? Yep, I do the housework/washing/cleaning/hoovering so when they get back I&#39;m knackered! Why?!! It must be so difficult with two.<br /><br />Remember that you have had many successes in your life and have brought up two

  8. H 27th April 2010 / 8:00 am

    i always feel like this when we&#39;re running up to a holiday…it&#39;s normal! i say this as i avoid doing an exercise dvd, we&#39;re moving house in four days, i&#39;m pregnant, i have sciatica and hormones surging, i cry at the john lewis advert and i am desperate for a holiday! Enjoy your hols…it&#39;ll make the world of difference x

  9. It's a Mummys Life 8th May 2010 / 3:39 pm

    First off I hope you&#39;re feeling a bit better since this was a few weeks ago, and that holiday helped. The bit where you talk about having the time to do stuff but having 100 other things in your head really rings true with me. I, too, struggle daily with the challenge of working, wanting to be at home with the girls, then wanting to be at work again when I am! It&#39;s bloody tough, life

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