Yet again I am going through a phase where there is not a great deal of posting going on. I would like to say that it is a result of my enormously successful, busy lifestyle. However, it is not. It is simply that I am going through a phase of malaise that I am finding hard to shift. Hence my morning running sessions which are a real attempt to try to energise myself. I spend my entire time feeling tired, grumpy, tearful and craving a peaceful, quiet life. A sort of old fashioned rose tinted vision where I sit by the sea, sewing, reading and enjoying the solitude. In nearly four years I have only had two days where I have been totally alone and brief trips in the car to places. I crave the peace and quiet to sit in silence alone. I dream of a reality where I don’t worry about things and over-analyse things that people say to me. I dream of a reality where I am free to pursue my interests without worrying about money, time, health and the other mundane aspects of life.
It’s hard to say when this came on, I think perhaps I have over-stretched myself with the demands of work, running a house and dealing with two very small children who are looked after by a complicated routine of different carers. Each with different demands. I have suffered from depression in the past and mild anxiety. It feels something like that. The tiredness for no reason, the slightly strange thoughts, suspicion about the motives of others and the desire to remove myself from the competitive demands of everyday life.
In part, I am governed by my hormones, I have an absolute, yet uncertain and yet over-ruling desire to have another child. It is literally the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night. This is madness, I realise that it is totally unpractical for us in every single way. I feel conflicted by the demands of work, I feel as if I am missing out on my childrens lives and I feel guilty that I am not there. No-one mentions how difficult it is simply adjusting from being at work to being at home on a frequent basis. It is two entirely different mindsets and it is hard. I feel as if life is becoming a drudge; work, housework, sleep, feeding children and keeping them happy, shopping, with very little in between. I feel time limited, I have no time to enjoy doing something properly, to read, to blog, to listen to music, to enjoy going out with my husband. By this, I mean mental time, in part. I do things, but I am doing 100 other things in my mind. It is frustrating.
The toddler boy summed me up well the other day. I was standing in the queue at Waitrose, feeling mildly aggravated, by everything generally and he turned around and said: ” Mummy! Why you look like this?” At which point he stuck his bottom lip out and frowned. What do you say to that? Well, its because mummy feels well and truly browned off and just wants to go and have one night of uninterrupted, peaceful sleep where she doesn’t worry about anything? Or because mummy is fed up of queuing?
I am off on holiday soon, I think this will help.