I have a feeling…

…that Fifi is going to be the boss of us all. Our childminder thinks that she is the brightest child she has ever looked after. I forget how little she really is on a regular basis. She appears to understand complex sentences, has really good spatial awareness (she has to with a brother like hers!) and gets in a total strop if I don’t let her chose what clothes she wants to wear. They are often mismatched! Toddler boy is lead astray on a regular basis by her and her determination to do things is really rather undermining.

I have to admit I am finding this very demanding, it is totally lovely and I adore her, but at the same time I am suffering from depression and it’s hard. Depression is a strange thing, it makes you totally selfish, you are absorbed in circumspect thoughts of yourself, thoughts about others always seem to come back to how you can make an impact on whatever is happening. I am finding it very hard to just sit back and enjoy my children, their personalities and individual quirks. This upsets me a lot.

The pressure of being a working mummy, even part-time, is suffocating. Without full-time proper professional childcare for when I am at work, I am pushed and pulled by a conscious effort that I must not take advantage of family and friends. I sit at work and wonder what my children are doing and when I am at home with them I sit and wonder if they prefer being with their other carers who probably do it a lot better than me. I think that it is these thoughts that will be a lasting memory of their early childhood. Standing on the beach looking at them happily play last week, all I could think was how soon this would be over and how we would go back to the trudging drudgery of our daily lives. I am sure that this is how so many people must feel.

Anyhow, short of winning the lottery, this is how it must be and I must find ways to pull myself out of this frame of mind and find some inner peace. From this, I will be able to appreciate being bossed by my little girl and beaten up by my little boy. I will gain a better understanding and appreciation of Spiderman, Buzz Lightyear, Thundercats and Waybaloo and the wonderful, blessing of the gift of two fabulous little people who I could never be without.


4 Responses

  1. cartside 11th May 2010 / 8:00 am

    I constantly ask the question if my daughter would rather be with the relevant other setup – nursery, forest kindergarten or with us. So much doubt, yet I try to see it as offering her a range of experiences. She won't like all of it all the time, but she'll get something out of all of them. Where I feel the pull is when I come home exhausted, when I'm not well (pretty much all the

  2. TheMadHouse 11th May 2010 / 8:15 am

    I am sorry that you feel this way, depression is hard to deal with, really hard.<br /><br />I had CBT and it really helped, are you getting any support?

  3. Metropolitan Mum 11th May 2010 / 10:27 am

    Oh Zoo. I hope you don&#39;t believe you have to pull yourself out of it on your own. Depression is serious and there are people out there to help you. xx D

  4. Muddling Along Mummy 11th May 2010 / 1:15 pm

    Oh C I wish I could come right over there and give you a hug right now – you are doing WONDERFULLY balancing all these difficult things and bringing up such delightful children<br /><br />Please be kinder to yourself, don&#39;t beat yourself up for being pulled in too many directions, just try and find a path through to somewhere it is better, easier said than done I realise !

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