I have spent most of the last week thinking of what if’s, this was spurred on by thoughts of how life would be different if I had made different decisions. I think part of it is the difficulty that I am having with sleep. Over the past few years my sleep has been so disturbed that I suspect I am actually suffering from some level of insomnia. Most people would probably sleep through some of the kids noise and not even realise they had been up during the night.
For me, the Wednesday before last proved pivotal for some weird reason. I decided to take the day off and dropped Toddler Boy off a Playgroup, I put Fifi in the car and she promptly threw up everywhere. My plans for the day were ruined and I was left, not only covered in sick (twice) and then ruining the sofa covers by having to wash them, but also disproportionately fed up with my lot in life. It seemed she had simply eaten something which didn’t agree with her. However, this all sent me into some sort of cycle of (nearly middle-aged) madness whereby I convinced myself I would be sick any moment and sent my stomach into odd spasms of irritable bowel syndrome which left me so run down that I caught a virus. Which seemed to present itself in lethargy and grey looking skin. Still, as a mum we press on don’t we. I wished that I could just take to my bed for a day. This is the same wish I have had for, oh, three and a half years. I manage to catch nearly every child borne illness, this is the bad side-affect of parenting which no-one tells you about.
Anyway, all of this culminated in a sort of sod it attitude where I felt obliged to shop and shop for myself. And I have, so far buying myself three new dresses. I know that this will also have a knock on financial impact which will leave me laying in bed awake worrying about money. This will result in the the need to feed the kids baked beans and jacket potatoes, which they won’t eat as they don’t eat anything other than pizza and pasta. I’m sick of pizza and pasta, anyone want to come over and cook a really extravagant meal, perhaps pheasant in a creamy appley sauce with new potatoes and lashing of fresh vegetables, followed by a rich alcoholic desert and copious glasses of wine.
Whoever invented superheroes, Fifi, Dora, Peppa and Fireman Sam? They provide endless sources of frustration for kids. If I get bashed by another piece of plastic I may just snap. Oh, yes I did. Going to the toilet can take a very long time sometimes, especially when the lock gets jammed and you cant get out. I find myself tempted to remove all the toys except for 12 marbles and a pack of snap cards. I can’t even watch television anymore as I find myself surveying the muddle of toys. I must move away from the sofa and back to the sewing machine or the bedroom to quietly read.
Is this the new ruthless me emerging? Will we have a living room of toys this time next year? It can only get better as I re-discover myself and the children learn to be more self sufficient. I hope.