Do you ever wonder why you had them?

The other day the children pushed me to the limit. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have developed patience levels which would rival any saint. In fact, I’m expecting sainthood upon my demise. However, when pushed to the limit I found myself saying (very quietly) that I think the children may have ruined my life. Of course, this was just in the heat of the moment. I mean, no-one really deserves to be kicked and screamed at by two toddlers whilst trying to talk on the telephone which has rung just at the moment when I was about to go out the door to buy nappies. At that moment I saw myself as I could have been, running my own museum enjoying cultural activities, stress free evenings out and money to buy what I wanted.

So recently I have begun to wonder about whatever possessed me to have them. They are wanted and were miracle babies, I was so desperate to have the Boy I thought I might just wither and die if I couldn’t get a child. But where did this urge come from? Very few of my other friends had kids at the time. We had been married for a while, it seemed time. Was it subconscious cultural conformity? I cant pin point it.

Yes in many ways they have enriched my life, but in many ways they have also spoilt what could have been. Its where I am at the moment and that’s fine, I couldn’t be without them now. But  every time you are woken up at 5:30 AM, every time you are screamed at, your stuff is wrecked, everytime you try to go shopping and cant look at a single thing and you are not even allowed to watch what you want on the television,  you can’t help but wonder…


4 Responses

  1. I'm So Fancy 11th May 2011 / 7:37 am

    I hear what you are saying. After all we went through to get our kids, I feel about this big (pinched together fingers) when I yell the F word during the middle of the night. As in "go the F to sleep!" But soon they'll be self-sufficient, we can go back to sleeping and shopping in peace and let them work out what to do with us when we are old. 🙂 x

  2. Muddling Along 11th May 2011 / 9:51 am

    Oh lovely – regret for the other path not taken is natural, especially when you&#39;re having such a tough time <br /><br />Sending virtual hugs

  3. mum in meltdown 11th May 2011 / 8:50 pm

    You wouldn&#39;t be normal if you didn&#39;t have &#39;what if&#39;s&#39;. But when they have all grown up we will miss the days they screamed at us and made some days hell!!

  4. supergran 12th May 2011 / 7:17 pm

    and if you hadnt of had them you would be working away wondering what your life would be like WITH children.<br />we all get days when we wonder why we made certain decisions and took certain paths in life. <br />and if it cheers you up any, if you are wondering if you should of had them…in 10 yrs time…you will know you shouldnt of done!!!

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