It was meant to be...

I spent all of last year wanting another one, in fact most of the year before. Then I started to get fit, enjoyed running, started going out in the evenings again. I felt happier and more satisfied than ever. Then the most shocking thing that has ever happened to me happened. I mean pure total shock. It took nearly 2 years to conceive the boy, nearly a year to conceive the girl, we didn't even think about this one. Yes, that's right, after much soul searching, dilemmas about childcare, practicalities and so on, we are having another baby. We couldn't really not.

I was nearly two months gone before I realised, I'm now four months. I'm tired, more stressed than I have been in a long time. I wake up at night with anxiety, my heart pounding. Will I be able to cope? Children drive me mad, I'm not the best mum. I will freely admit I use the television as a baby sitter, I get annoyed at the twentieth request for help with shoes/ socks/ to find a toy. I have a busy life with little help. How will we cope? I like a bit of peace and quiet. I've been offered the chance to do a PhD at Cambridge University.

I think some of this is affecting our relationship, we don't get a lot of time to talk, be alone. At least not when we we are free from the worries of discussion of money worries, household chores and the usual. I think we are both existing at the moment, at least I am. I don't feel the joy I felt at the prospect of the other two. I feel tired and worried about how to occupy children during the school holidays. It's a creeping fear which really does scare me, I worry about days of total meltdown when I can barely muster the energy to breathe. I worry about the birth, I've done it twice before and I know what's coming.

But then there is the prospect of a little life, a little personality, a friend and ally for Boy and Fifi. The prospect of a large, happy and joy filled family. The unknown; will it be a boy or a girl? Will it have brown hair or blonde or ginger? I look at the shoes lined up and visualise another little pair, I look at the bath towels hanging up and see another. It was meant to be.

It was meant to be...