It was meant to be…

I spent all of last year wanting another one, in fact most of the year before. Then I started to get fit, enjoyed running, started going out in the evenings again. I felt happier and more satisfied than ever. Then the most shocking thing that has ever happened to me happened. I mean pure total shock. It took nearly 2 years to conceive the boy, nearly a year to conceive the girl, we didn’t even think about this one. Yes, that’s right, after much soul searching, dilemmas about childcare, practicalities and so on, we are having another baby. We couldn’t really not.

I was nearly two months gone before I realised, I’m now four months. I’m tired, more stressed than I have been in a long time. I wake up at night with anxiety, my heart pounding. Will I be able to cope? Children drive me mad, I’m not the best mum. I will freely admit I use the television as a baby sitter, I get annoyed at the twentieth request for help with shoes/ socks/ to find a toy. I have a busy life with little help. How will we cope? I like a bit of peace and quiet. I’ve been offered the chance to do a PhD at Cambridge University.

I think some of this is affecting our relationship, we don’t get a lot of time to talk, be alone. At least not when we we are free from the worries of discussion of money worries, household chores and the usual. I think we are both existing at the moment, at least I am. I don’t feel the joy I felt at the prospect of the other two. I feel tired and worried about how to occupy children during the school holidays. It’s a creeping fear which really does scare me, I worry about days of total meltdown when I can barely muster the energy to breathe. I worry about the birth, I’ve done it twice before and I know what’s coming.

But then there is the prospect of a little life, a little personality, a friend and ally for Boy and Fifi. The prospect of a large, happy and joy filled family. The unknown; will it be a boy or a girl? Will it have brown hair or blonde or ginger? I look at the shoes lined up and visualise another little pair, I look at the bath towels hanging up and see another. It was meant to be.

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15 Responses

  1. Aussie Mum 26th July 2011 / 8:08 am

    Congrats. I remember feeling very anxious about having number three but he is just adorable and I couldn&#39;t imagine life without him (just a shame about his two older brothers – only joking). <br /><br />Life will be very busy and challenging but you are already flat out so nothing new there! Take care of yourself and remember to accept all offers of help. XXX

  2. Kat - Housewife Confidential 26th July 2011 / 11:41 am

    Hurrah! So glad you secret is out and that this little soul has decided they want to join your family.<br /><br />Take a breath and let go of some of that worry; third children just slot into place. How could they not?

  3. Cherished by Me 26th July 2011 / 11:43 am

    Firstly congratulations. I&#39;m sure so many people feel exactly the same way but just won&#39;t admit it. It is a huge responsibility but when the three of them are playing and being friends it will be worth it to get through those hard times. I found going from 1 to 2 children the hardest. <br />I still remember the panic seconds after giving birth to number 2 wondering how on earth I would

  4. Muddling Along 26th July 2011 / 12:42 pm

    You are going to be great – I&#39;m not going to say its not going to be hard but you don&#39;t need to be perfect and the children don&#39;t notice the occasional bout of frazzled<br /><br />Take care of yourself

  5. Laura 26th July 2011 / 4:14 pm

    Oh CONGRATULATIONS!<br />I&#39;m so thrilled for you both.<br />And try not to fret – I spent the whole of pregnancy 3 thrashing in fear,a total headcase of turmoil.<br />The result… is good. wonderful. amazingly perfect.<br />I was worried about EVERYTHING, from not having enough time, to taking away my current baby&#39;s childhood (the age gap between 2 and 3 is only 17mths)<br />Of course it

  6. Emma 26th July 2011 / 5:28 pm

    Congratulations Claire &amp; Alex! Am so pleased for you both 🙂 x

  7. Spencer Park 27th July 2011 / 5:30 am

    I was on my stag night in Amsterdam when I was told my ex was expecting. I was rather calm about the whole thing until the effects of sitting in a coffee shop inhaling wore off. I then panicked for the following 9 months and haven&#39;t really stopped since!<br /><br />Congratulations!

  8. Liveotherwise 28th July 2011 / 8:19 am

    Congratulations. They are hard to resist aren&#39;t they?

  9. Mark 30th July 2011 / 6:29 pm

    Congratulations. The third one is fabulous and easy (well, sort of) – the chance to do it all again without the worry and all the fun. That what we found anyway. I hope your new baby brings you immense and lasting joy.

  10. renae 1st August 2011 / 7:31 am

    congratulations – a new baby which I am sure will bring a whole new dimension to your family

  11. bod for tea 13th August 2011 / 6:24 am

    Huge congrats! Just read about this over at your hubby&#39;s blog. Very happy for you both 😀

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