Mentally Struggling. Ups and Downs. Crashing Waves. Depths and Highs. Yes, it’s pregnancy, but I seem to be having one of those phases where my whole life is being turned upside down. If I had been asked to predict how 2012 would be on the 1st January 2011 I would never in a million years have predicted how it is looking like it will turn out. There will be people missing from my life and a new little person to get to know. A new job, or not. Our house will look very different. I will be different, life has changed me, my perspectives and out looks.
One thing that needs to be sorted is the mess. I know that living with small children generates mess and I am a naturally messy person, a natural hoarder and someone who cant stand to see waste. This has created a real problem, it’s something we have been half heartedly working on for some time. However, like everything it’s all going in fits and starts and as soon as one area is clear and tidy it seems to get filled up. I dont know where to begin. Some days I wonder if it would be best to just get some house clearance people in, let them do the work for me.I’m finding it hard to be ruthless.
What does one do in life when the thing you have been working towards for 22 years, the thing which has defined you for your whole life is snatched away from you, essentially through ignorance of what you do? I know one must pick up the pieces and carry on. I am having nightmares. Not terrible ones, but ones where I am lost and loved ones who have passed away are helping me, guiding me towards a new path. Full-time motherhood terrifies me, I struggle with depression and the thought of being home alone with kids day after day fills me with dread. I’m not sure I will cope. I wont cope unless we clear some of the stuff out and get the house organised. I’m scared, I don’t have enough cash to retrain. I’m wasted. The careers advisor suggested I work in a bookshop.
Life is a funny thing, you tick along for ages and then monumental things happen all at the same time. It’s hard not compare yourself with your peers, puzzle over what you have achieved, puzzle over your place in the world. The only thing I can do at the moment is to remember standing on the beach and looking at the waves, they crash backwards and forwards unrelentingly. They don’t stop whatever happens in the world. I tend to live in the past, now it’s all about the future. I suppose this is a new adventure.