Crashing Waves

Mentally Struggling. Ups and Downs. Crashing Waves. Depths and Highs. Yes, it’s pregnancy, but I seem to be having one of those phases where my whole life is being turned upside down. If I had been asked to predict how 2012 would be on the 1st January 2011 I would never in a million years have predicted how it is looking like it will turn out. There will be people missing from my life and a new little person to get to know. A new job, or not. Our house will look very different. I will be different, life has changed me, my perspectives and out looks.

One thing that needs to be sorted is the mess. I know that living with small children generates mess and I am a naturally messy person, a natural hoarder and someone who cant stand to see waste. This has created a real problem, it’s something we have been half heartedly working on for some time. However, like everything it’s all going in fits and starts and as soon as one area is clear and tidy it seems to get filled up. I dont know where to begin. Some days I wonder if it would be best to just get some house clearance people in, let them do the work for me.I’m finding it hard to be ruthless.

What does one do in life when the thing you have been working towards for 22 years, the thing which has defined you for your whole life is snatched away from you, essentially through ignorance of what you do? I know one must pick up the pieces and carry on. I am having nightmares. Not terrible ones, but ones where I am lost and loved ones who have passed away are helping me, guiding me towards a new path. Full-time motherhood terrifies me, I struggle with depression and the thought of being home alone with kids day after day fills me with dread. I’m not sure I will cope. I wont cope unless we clear some of the stuff out and get the house organised. I’m scared, I don’t have enough cash to retrain. I’m wasted. The careers advisor suggested I work in a bookshop.

Life is a funny thing, you tick along for ages and then monumental things happen all at the same time. It’s hard not compare yourself with your peers, puzzle over what you have achieved, puzzle over your place in the world. The only thing I can do at the moment is to remember standing on the beach and looking at the waves, they crash backwards and forwards unrelentingly. They don’t stop whatever happens in the world. I tend to live in the past, now it’s all about the future. I suppose this is a new adventure.


5 Responses

  1. TheMadHouse 8th November 2011 / 8:55 am

    This is a great way to look at things. You know that I will be by your side as you take this journey and hope that I can be a listening ear when you need one. You can do anything, you are super mum and will be. Regarding the clutter have you tried fly lady?

  2. Muddling Along 8th November 2011 / 4:43 pm

    ARGH blogger hates me – wanted to say that Flylady is really good for getting on top of clutter<br /><br />Also you must remember how much you have going on and be kind to yourself – Rome wasn&#39;t built in a day

  3. cartside 8th November 2011 / 11:28 pm

    Oh I know the feeling about clutter. I don&#39;t have any answers, like you I hate the clutter, I&#39;m a hoarder and don&#39;t want to waste and throw away. It&#39;s an endless conundrum. In time, things will be clearer. It must be a real watershed for you, big hugs and courage!

  4. Jude 9th November 2011 / 1:08 pm

    I know how you feel about the clutter. Being a hoarder myself and hating waste is all very well, but it doesn&#39;t help you learn to throw stuff away. I&#39;m gradually trying to sort the clutter in our house, but it&#39;s a long, slow, painful process.<br />When it comes to jobs, I&#39;ve abandoned the idea of working in museums ever again given the current climate. I feel a bit old to retrain

  5. Aussie Mum 9th November 2011 / 10:26 pm

    Good luck with the de cluttering – I&#39;m fighting a loosing battle here living with three horders! Hope the pregnancy is going ok (those hormones can really get us worried about all sorts of things).I&#39;m sure everything will turn out fine next year even though it might be much different to how we think it will be! Take care and be kind to yourself – you are doing an amazing job.

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