I’m one of those people that had my life mapped out, I had thought through all the steps I would need to take to get myself particular jobs, a certain lifestyle and so on. I’m happiest when I know where I stand, where I am going and what lies ahead. I don’t like uncertainty drama, risk.
Those of you who follow this blog will be more than aware then, of the year that I have had. First I find out that I am having a surprise baby, various other things happen and then I get made redundant. It feels a bit like my life imploding. It probably wouldn’t be quite so bad if the job I was being made redundant from wasn’t at the museum where I used to go as a seven year old child and dream that one day I would find work there. Yes that’s right, I managed to work there for ten years and I was working somewhere where I had always wanted to work. Not many people can say that can they?
Sometimes fate throws things at us, I am a firm believer in fate. I do think things happen for a reason. It took us two years to conceive the boy, nearly 9 months Fifi and possibly 3 minutes for this little one wriggling away in my tummy. It must have been meant, I must have been meant to have three children and become a mum who, with a bit of luck, will be able to do a bit of work at home.
I’m worrying still, my redundancy isn’t even enough to cover a years worth of re-training. We are hard up as it is, not outwardly as we have a big house, but we have a big mortgage to find every month. I shall be even more frugal with the food purchasing and the grandparents can buy the kids shoes. I’m worried about lots of silly things though, what if the husband goes off and leaves me with three kids and no money now I am reliant on him? What if I turn into some demented washerwoman through lack of chances to mingle with anyone outside my household? What if I end up crying after nearly every single school run and I get terrible depression? Can I deal with THAT much Cbeebies? Will I lose my identity?
Think positive: It no longer matters if a child is sick, I’m here to nurse them. I can participate in school activities. I will be there to help my kids with their homework. I may feel less stressed. I can enjoy seeing my new baby grow up and be there for all of it. I can really indulge in my hobbies, well, sewing and blogging. I can try to make the house presentable and keep it that way. I can try to feed my family properly. The possibilities are endless. Must. Not. Get. Sucked. Into. Twitter.
With the opportunity of a new life presenting itself in front of me, I find myself needing to refresh our house. Maybe its nesting. However, I wake up at night considering the cheapest options for a garage conversion. I mean, I’m sure I will be able to screw some batons to the wall and put plasterboard up whilst my angelic baby sleeps in its moses basket nearby. People are always doing that on Grand Designs aren’t they? These thoughts occasionally spiral out of control and I find myself in a frenzied imaginary redecoration/ renovation of the entire house before I return to ground zero. So far the husband has found himself screwing new cupboard doors to the kitchen cabinets. I only measured them 1 cm wrong. That doesn’t matter really *ahem*.
Here I am cast adrift in a sea of unknowing. Who knows what my future may bring, where I will be, what will happen. I am trying to feel marginally excited by all the possibilities, but you know what? I’m scared. This is not my natural habitat, I’m a fish out of water. I know what I cant be, I know what I am, but I do not know what might be. This could be the start of something exciting, something fulfilling and something worthwhile. Or then again….